What hurts the most

As the night folds, my mind and emotion in a brisk of confusion. I can't make a decision on what was that i felt. I often wondered today about what was that i felt that night. I seem to feel hurt in the process and gone into a brink of losing my sanity with a sartonic laughter that is disturbing.
Quite so I wonder what was it. Is it the recent news of late? Or is it something personal that rumbles my thoughts. I tend to be blurred and deep in thought about these things.
Why does it hurt? It feels like my hypothalamus just excreted far too much emotional endocrinic fluids that it sets my mind into a test of my sanity and a test of my will.

Thus I resulted to conversing with myself like i always do. disturbing? Yes but in a way to get things straight. Getting it to the right place of mind with chats in my head and to my sellf like a crazed maniac who is reaching his sanity limit to the brink of self destruction.

It is quite odd. That happiness and inspiration can become a closet filled with doubtful thoughts. That excitement and joyful moments in making you a whole person just runs down and shuts you into a wink to cry out and shout for God to help, and recalling recalling on what could have been. What could have been different. What could have happen and so on.

Sometimes, with so much high expectations and hopes can bring you down to a pulp. Down to the drain you seem can't bring yourself up. Even though recalling all the inspiring people you have have will bring nothing back to what you expected. It is hard to think about that. The thrill you cannot look at the person the same way. The thrill that something seem to be broken in a way that you seek for something new. A new beginning to enlighten your hopes to the top.

Sometimes, the word regret comes into mind. But i refuse to use that word as I've never regretted anything that is good or bad. I regretted nothing. I never. It is a taboo for me. But that magic word. Regret. Can cause so much mayhem that it can break any close bonds to a brink that one may perceive that he/she may no longer be needed in this world of peaceful cruelness.

Coming to a conclusion that I might be hurt with those events of late. and my thoughts have affected my soul and mind. Seems like i want to die again. compleplating suicide. If it was honorable then many would have done it for the sake of being gone in this world. And death maybe so beautiful that you hoped that he/she was right next to you. Caressing and being beside you. Like a a mistress that you cant replace as if she was a matter of importance. Thus I hate my old self. I hate it. That feeling of unwantedness. That feeling that it hurts that tears are enough to soothe your self to calming to happier end of a bleak day.

And as I always do. With all the busy bees and the problmems I conceive and hid. I sing and say.

Let it be. Let it be.